CD1 - Joey's account

Well after much coercing from my wife I have finally agreed to write this post. I wouldn't ordinarily put down my thoughts and feelings so publicly but my nearest and dearest insists it will help both of us. We shall see.... Since the drugs arrived a couple of days back Nala and I have both been filled with a pure mix of dread and excitement, all at the same time. Quite a cocktail of emotions but certainly ones that leave you unable to think of anything else. After exchanging texts all day from work I was eager to return home and experience what could become a significant milestone in our quest to becoming parents. I arrived home around 19:00 after collecting my daughter from her mothers. After feeding and watering her I packed her off to bed with a couple of "little miss...." stories (my daughter, not Nala ;) ). Right. This was it. The time had come to start the treatment. I suddenly felt a wave of guilt knowing what Nala was going to have to endure and the recurrent realisation that this was in essence down to me. I swallowed the self pity and joined her downstairs. She was reading through the leaflet that came with the PROSTAP pre-filled syringe. Nala looked concerned and strongly suggested I also read through. On digesting details and potential side effects I felt yet more guilt. Again, I swallowed it and asked Nala if she was sure she wanted to go through with this. She gave me that look and assured me she did and that she was in fact excited about our journey. She is one in a million. I tell her all the time. Nala drew out the pre-filled syringe and began to mix the liquid with the powder (separated in the syringe by a plastic sheath). She looked confident and assured me she wanted to do it herself. Then when faced with what was (even by my standards) a scary looking needle she conceded and asked me to do it. I took the needle and prepared Nala for the needle. She was very brave and it was over within seconds. Now we wait, trying to not to allow the power of suggestion take over, having read all those side effects..... First scan booked for 27-Mar. And breathe........

CD1 - Day One of Down Regulation

17:45 - My cycle started today, around lunchtime, and although the Nurse advised us (at the Nurse Consultation appointment) that if your cycle starts anytime post 12pm on a particular day, to start the down regulation phase the day after, However, today, our private patient administration lady advised me that taking the Prostap injection tonight would be fine, as she tends to use 2pm as general-ish cut off rule. So, tonight we shall start our down regulation phase... :)
21:00 - Joey and I are stood in the kitchen preparing ourselves for the 22:00 jab. We're swatting up on the instructions and marvelling at the size of this blooming needle. It's a serious one! I'm going to take a picture and post it on here, so that you guys can see it:

What do you think?
I've read the official side effects for long-term use of Prostap and I'm not liking them; hot flushes, mood swings, decrease in bone density, hair loss, depression, headaches... Thankfully, this is a one off injection for IVF.
21:50 - I whimped out of injecting myself so Joey was happy to step in, being used to daily injections himself. He was very good, steady and calm. I think he'll be doing them all when it comes to the stimulation phase! Now we just wait and see how the drug has worked its magic at our down regulation scan in 11 days. I shall report any side effects as and when they occur.

The Drugs...

They arrived this morning by cold courier, as some items needed to go straight into the fridge, but as I was unpacking the box I managed to get a quick snap of the items to share with you, so here they are...

The Drugs

In here we have:
Prostap
Merional
Ovitrelle
Dalacin
Cyclogest Pessaries
Paracetamol Suppositories
Sharps Box
The purple box contains all of the needles required
I now have to wait until the first day of my next cycle, which is the first full day of fresh bleeding (sorry if too much information).
See you on CD1 x

OMG... It's happening!

I was just pretending to work whilst scowering the internet for more information and success stories when I decided to ignore an 'unknown' number calling.
Something told to listen to the voicemail, as that's something I rarely do (if it's important they'll call again, right?), but I'm so glad I did as it was a very polite lady asking me to call her back to arrange a delivery.... 'But I've received my new work clothes??'
[Gasp!] Surely not!? Already??!
I called her back, and sure as (something nice, erm...) water is wet, it was the drugs company wanting to arrange delivery....
I answered the security questions and confirmed my prescription, with a huge, childlike grin on my face, and then she said 'The last thing we need to do is take payment, is this ok?'. Oh. I have forgotten to transfer the money. I ask her, whilst thinking how much I should transfer: 'Would you mind holding on the line whilst I transfer the funds to a debit card account?'. She sweetly agreed.
I franticly logged onto my banks site and transferred the full ICSI amount from our savings account... only to be told that it wouldn't be the £1000 for the drugs as advised by the nurse, it was indeed only £395! Ooops... and yay!
So, not only are our drugs on their way and me, I'm like a shrieking dancy thingy, but I have also cleared the credit card  ;)
Hmmm... Joey will be well impressed x

Fertility Clinic - Nurse Consultation

We took our anxiety, our list of questions, and our runny noses along to the clinic this morning to meet the nurse.
She fumbled around retrieving our documentation and presented what I can only describe as 'a huge pile of paper' to us.


We signed all kinds of forms, including HFEA (Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority) and the clinic's own forms. 
We both signed a form for: Child Welfare, Consent to Disclosure of Information, Consent to the Use and Storage of Sperms, Eggs and Embryos, Consent to Treatment, Consent to be tested for Hepatitis B & C, HIV and Syphilis, Consent to Egg Collection and Embryo Transfer, Consent to ICSI, Consent to Freeze Embryos, Treatment of Unused Embryos, Treatment Services, and Payment.
Of course, we had to agree to the risks associated and agree to pay our invoice. 

Privately pay for treatment because Joey already has a child from a previous relationship.

We went through an IVF/ICSI checklist and was given the opportunity to ask any questions
Joey was silent, are you seeing the pattern too? I asked whether he had any questions, knowing that he was holding our list and he perked up.
She satisfyingly answered our questions whilst putting up with my constant sniffing and nose wiping - poor woman. I even used her box of tissues. Snot has no shame!


Throughout the entire process the nurse was carefully explaining each form and what it meant. 
We then had to provide a blood test, for the HIV and Syphilis, and I was asked to provide my recent GP smear letter that concluded all was fine.


She pulled out a calendar and we decided when we would start treatment, of course it needed to be within the next two months. So it was either next week (OMG) or next month, needless to say we chose the latter. I think we need some more time to prepare before the IVF speed train leaves the station. I also want to give my acupuncturist time to prepare us both.


She advised that we would follow this procedure:


 - The drugs company, which is separate to the clinic, will be in contact to deliver my drugs week commencing 2nd April.
 - On day 1 of that pending cycle, if we haven't conceived naturally of course, I am to take one injection of Prostap, which triggers the 'Down Regulation' of my own cycle.
 - 1-2weeks later I am to attend for an ultrasound to check that the Prostap has worked
 - I will then start the 'Stimulation' phase, which is a daily injection of Merional for 10-14 days
 - During this time, I shall have two ultrasound scans to check how I am reacting to the drugs, dosage is adjusted to suit.
 - I am then to have one hCG injection 36hrs prior to egg collection and Joey is to abstain from ejaculating for 3-5 days
 - Our estimated date of Egg Collection is week commencing 7th May
 - Our Embryo Transfer is likely to take place between 2-5 days after collection
 - Two weeks after transfer we are required to attend clinic for a pregnancy blood test


She showed me how to inject myself (Yikes! Those needles are far bigger than Joey's diabetic ones!) and gave me lots of information on the drugs and potential side effects, including what to do if anything goes wrong or if you have any questions.


We now just need prepare ourselves for treatment, await the drug to make contact and pay our whopping invoice ----------> £4,500!! 


'Whatever it takes'...

What a Week...

That night we argued. After lengthy conversations about our thoughts and opinions, it was clear that no matter how much support or encouragement I offered Joey was going to beat himself up. He had decided that if it wasn't for him I'd already be pregnant, forgetting that it was only because of him that I wanted children, his children. He even told me that he'd understand if I wanted to divorce him and find a more suitable husband! I had to try so hard not to slap him that I sat stunned, in silence, for hours. Pondering what life would be like without children, it wasn't possible, was it possible? Do people survive this kind of news? What about when we're old? We'll be lonely. Relying on relatives for company. It's ok, we have each other. We'll always have each other. Life without children is manageable, but life without Joey was unthinkable, not worth contemplating. That's it, if no children means a lifetime with Joey then so be it.
My intuition was telling me that this was nuts. Of course we'll have children. This is insane. When I look into the future there are children there!? Our children...


Joey had decided to take himself off upstairs, claiming that his cold had made him tired, but I knew he wasn't up for talking about this anymore. He wanted to wallow in self pity, he does it so well, and besides, he needed time to beat himself up and leave the wounds clear for me to heal.
I sat downstairs trying rationalise the news, understand what ICSI was, the process, the difference between that and IVF. I'd skipped that section of the fertility booklets and websites before, as I never thought we'd need to know about it.
I cried, lots, and then some more. I couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't my news to tell, was it? Joey would be devastated if I did. Even the online forums don't offer this level of support, but at least you're anonymous. Something that both Joey and I had decided long ago would be our priority. 
I didn't want people offering us sympathy and he summarised it as "We wouldn't be telling people that we were about to have sex, so why would we tell them we were trying for a baby? It's none of their business, they don't want to know and I don't want them to know." I agreed.
I went upstairs to check whether he wanted any food, he didn't, he was still wallowing. If only he were a pig in mud, at least he'd be smiling.
I tried to reason with him, but it was useless. He wanted my attention but was pushing me away. He knew I was there, he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop it.
After a few hours, he came down stairs. I forget what happened, but it resulted in me shouting (I'm the shouter apparently) and throwing a cup (that was a first) into the sink, which impressively smashed the cup it landed on. I was too angry to marvel at my accomplishment, I just grabbed by coat and keys and went on a 'calm me down drive'.
I found myself sat in the local services reading a trashy gossip magazine, ignoring his calls and texts of concern. He'd forgotten about me earlier, why does he care all of a sudden, I thought.
He knew he'd upset me beyond anything he'd known before, I mean, I don't smash my own mugs... I'd maybe bang a cupboard door or storm about the house tidying (I think he's on to that one, I must stop that!) but never throw things, especially my cups!
We finally exchanged our sides of the story via text and I drove home. We made our peace and returned to our loving selves, which was so overdue by the time we got to bed.


The next day things still appeared raw, but a little bit more manageable. We had decided that 'whatever it takes' we will create our family. Our children deserve strong minded (and a little stubborn) parents who are prepared to fight for their existence. We agreed to contact the DuoFertility team and ask for their advice, and then contact the clinic and arrange our nurse consultation appointment.
DuoFertility took a short while to respond, so we decided to make our appointment regardless. By some stroke of luck a cancellation appointment had come up for next week. "Book it" I told Joey.
The next day DuoFertility agreed with what the consultant had advised based on Joey's results and asked us to keep them informed.


Throughout the rest of the week, we had numerous conversations about the pros and cons and I attended a lecture on sub-fertility, which is what we had been diagnosed with, not infertility. It was very helpful, but I admit that the amount of drugs left me feeling quite anxious.
Joey hated knowing what I would have to go through as a result of his condition.


We tried to get through the week as normal as possible, with one of us occasionally telling the other 'Whatever it takes!'... 


And so.... Whatever it takes!

Fertility Clinic - The Follow Up

It's always so blooming hot in the clinic. Joey was trying to park the car and I was booking in at reception. We waited to be called, watching all the people that were there when we arrived leave, then the people who arrived after us started to disappear.
We looked around the room and we were the only people left, except for the receptionist. Joey was twitching, as he needed to get back to work. His final foot spasm resulted in him pacing over to the receptionist to ask what the delay was.
Right on cue the consultant popped her head around the wall and called our names.


We sat down and she began to tell us our results; How great it was that my hormones were showing positive signs of a good ovarian reserve, my ultrasound (baseline) scan results were missing, but I told her that the sonographer on the day had kindly advised that there were no problems and that the follicles on each ovary were very good or "Just what we are looking for!".
I felt relieved and Joey smiled at me with positive encouragement.
The consultant then went on to relay the results of the January semen analysis. It was low, too low to perform the additional tests we were hopeful of. My heart sank, Joey's did too. I could tell he was devastated, he didn't talk again, except when I asked him whether he had any further questions before we left. I wanted to make sure we didn't regret not asking key questions when we'd waited so long for this appointment and it was the first time we'd actually seen the consultant.
Her summary was that although there is no reason that we couldn't carry a healthy pregnancy, the pure fact that we haven't conceived so far suggests that Joey's sperm was not reliable in quantity or quality to guarantee a natural conception. It was by no means impossible, and it has happened, but if we wanted to have assisted reproductive therapy (ART) then she could only suggest ICSI at this stage.
ICSI, or Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection in full, is in simple terms where IVF is used to extract eggs, sperm is carefully selected to be injected into the eggs, monitored into maturity and then transferred via IVF protocol into the uterus. Although the fertilisation rate is considered higher than that of IVF, it comes with additional risks (I would suggest you read up or speak to someone about these) and is obviously much more intrusive to your conception process. 
It holds the same pregnancy success rate as IVF (30%).


We were told that we have 2mths to decide whether this treatment was for us or not, and that if we did the 2mths cut off means that all tests done to date will still be valid.


Time to go home and let this news sink in. We need ICSI to conceive....

Fertility Clinic - The Waiting Game

Even though we had decided to take December off from all these tests and investigations, it was hard to not think about the results that were piling up at the clinic with our name on. I wanted to know!
January we were both deflated and I suggested that we stop all the monitoring, stop making love with intent, leave all the period applications alone and really give ourselves a break.


Funnily, not religious people, we found ourselves praying... Asking God to help us, to send us some angels to assist us or give us a sign. The very next day, I was reading up on something, I can't stop myself, when I came across a website called DuoFertility. The Natural IVF.
Joey was convinced it was a sign and instantly decided that we'd purchase one and get pregnant!
Oh the excitement! We were going to get pregnant, this machine, that monitors your temperature for you throughout each day, was going to take our stress away and get us pregnant!
We both felt so relieved. It was great!


I was itching to get started, and was slightly disappointed when Boots put the wrong address on the parcel and it got delayed - obviously the packer was not of TTC decent!
It arrived and I filled it all out whilst Joey was at work. I needed our recent test results for the fertility experts to analyse and provide us with the advice we need to get pregnant!! 
So I called the fertility clinic. No answer. I tried again, and I was put through to a lovely lady who advised that we needed a follow up appointment to discuss these, or apply in writing, which could take up to 6wks.


We made an appointment for 29th February 2012...